Saburra - An Odd Dream

[Wotan]

Saburra (An Odd Dream) - ©2011 by Trevor Patrick (Wotan)

It was a formless void.
Each of them was called forward to the only point of reference in the void—The Platform of Fate. The Creator wished to make a new world.  They all—each of them—would be the seed of a new life form for this planet.
   Images both strange and new flashed through Saburra’s awareness, and she almost instantly knew which one she wanted to be.  Even as The Creator began to call out the new names it was giving to each of them, Saburra joyously leapt towards The Creator on the strong, fast legs she already believed that she possessed.
   In her haste, she knocked one of the others aside before it received its new form, and it was falling—falling from the platform and back into the void, winking out of existence.
Right before it disappeared, it managed to scream at her: “Curse your fate!”
   And she too was flying, falling, calling out to The Creator in vain, but he who had cursed her was already gone.
   She came to herself in a world of light and images, and instant, terrifying understanding of who and what she had become. 
   The nude woman lay sprawled on the grass underneath an upturned bushel basket being held by two farm boys.
   “Well, sheeit, Jake!  I done told you this were a magic basket!  I done told you that Paw held a feather under here and wished for a chicken, and one fell right out!  Well, lookee here!  I done wished fer a purty gurl, an’ look what I got!”
   The horror Saburra felt was unspeakable.  She did the only thing she could think of.  Grabbed a nearby twig, and stuck it under the basket, calling out: “The place, where I came to be!”
   
   A point—a sphere—of purest black appeared at the tip of the twig, and quickly grew outwards.  Saburra couldn’t have cared less about the looks of sheer horror on the faces of the farm boys as they dropped the bushel basket and ran.  Still the sphere of nothingness spread outwards until it engulfed her, and suddenly, she was somehow looking outwards to a quickly receding point of light, where she had been holding the twig.
   Right before the point of light disappeared, she felt herself being pulled in a different direction, and the familiar void that had been expanding seemed to fold around her, and begin to contract inwards.
   Faster and faster her reality shrunk until it finally seemed to crystallise.  And then, it cracked.  Her knowledge, her awareness, and her self cracked with it.  And then it cracked again, and again, and again, and eventually, Saburra’s awareness was simply not there. 
   There were fleeting moments, where she could see her new world—a yellowish brown strip between two other realities.  A hard and indifferent place where her awareness would slowly collect itself before the land gave her back to the pitiless waves that would tear her awareness back into fragments, only to eventually toss her back upon the equally pitiless land.
   And there were other parts of her awareness that lay under the unending heat of the sun.  Others still were forged with fire into millions of eyes that showed her a world filled with the same creatures that had pulled her out of the basket.

[Lady Serpent]

Is this an actual dream of yours?

It's an interesting piece of writing.  Some of the imagery is quite strong; the whole section in the beginning portraying her emotions -- eagerness at first, and then the sense of shock and dismay; burning desperation and despair at her situation -- comes across powerfully.

There are a few sections that could use fewer commas just to allow for better flow.  I'm guilty of this myself; I'm rather comma-happy.  (And also apparently semicolon obsessed, as well.)  The only one I felt was truly needing to be removed was the one here:

calling out to The Creator in vain, but he, who had cursed her was already gone.

The comma after 'but he' seems to be unnecessary.  (If the subject is 'He who had cursed her.')  It also doesn't make sense to add another after 'who had cursed her', because this would imply that we don't already know that she'd been cursed because it's a redundant point when set up that way.  (He, who had cursed her, was already gone.).  It also implies that it's the creator doing the cursing, in that latter example.  This is all just me reasoning with words, so my suggestion in a nutshell would be to remove that one comma after 'he'.

The ending comes too soon, my friend!  Where is she going?  What is this world?  If it was in fact a dream of yours, it's very intriguing.  If it's a bit of writing from your mind, I'd love to hear more because we're cliff-hanging over here. 

Thanks for posting your words;
-Sephren
 

[Wotan]

Yes,
 as it says right in the title, it was based on a strange dream. Even odder is that I can recall forcing myself into partial wakefulness several times during the night to try and remember it, and towards dawn, I fired up my laptop while half asleep to write it all down before I lost it.
 As for where Saburra ends up, and where that world is, I simply don't know. Like Saburra herself, I can only see what I'm allowed to see. I also realise that you or anyone else might be allowed to see something different than I do.
 Where do you think she might be? If you felt like it, perhaps you could try and draw what you see? (hint hint).
 The only other thing I can say is that I think there's a lot of reptiles where she is now. Reptiles and fish.

 As an added curio, I eventually looked up the word 'Saburra', and found that it is a Latin term for coarse sand. I wasn't aware that I'd retained my High School Latin after all these years.

 But with all that said, I'm really glad you liked it.

[Lady Serpent]

Ah, obsolete latin phrases.  That's quite neat, actually.

Where do you think she might be? If you felt like it, perhaps you could try and draw what you see?

Hahaha!  You know I'd take you up on that, too, if I had any semblance of free time.  I'm on borrowed time here as it is, unfortunately.

Definitely a neat dream..
-LS