Interesting works, Orcus, certainly.
The first one has such vivid audio to it; the language used to describe the sounds is at once accurate and inviting. Especially that you said the bars 'yell', which is an unusual choice of words, but anyone who's ever swung on a playground swingset can probably hear the sound ringing clear, doing exactly that.
It shifts from happiness to lonliness and isolation in an instant; very effective. I did quite enjoy this one because I feel it's something that many of us, whether we were isolated at some time during childhood or not, can undoubtedly relate to.
The second brings up images of a curious sea creature beckoning out to a land dweller in my mind. To be honest, I'm not sure if the rhyme scheme works well the way it's delivered. The end words may rhyme, but the lines seem to lack the right flow for them to run together smoothly and have the rhymes really take full effect.
'With in' is more commonly spoken as 'within', and might help also with flow. I think the entire poem has the potential to invoke some interesting thoughts and curious, thought-provoking imagery, but the flow needs a bit of smoothing before it would take it's full effect.
The first one is gorgeous, though. Great work, mate. Certainly keep it up if you find the inspiration.
Cheers,
-Lady Serpent
